Today I was pretty sure a cage match was going to break out between my oldest girls. Hormones weren’t even involved. We were all doing a little cleaning and organizing, and I was trying to catch up on some school work (did I mention I am in college full time, online of course). Basically everything Laila did set off Audrey; either crying, yelling, accusatory, or suddenly dragging me into it demanding I correct my parenting skills. We hadn’t had a day like this is a long time.
Audrey couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell me what was causing her irritability. Things ranged from “I hate you!” to “I can’t stand being near her, it makes my blood boil” to “I hope you move to California!” (this is where their biological dad is). Anger and deflection is a key trait and defense mechanism of someone with DMDD and BPD. Intentionally saying things to hurt, demean, and otherwise be unbearable to put it simply. Laila is very sensitive, she’s not always innocent and is a typical younger sibling, but gets very hurt by her sisters words and actions. So I also had to manage the emotional 13 year old in the midst of what was becoming Mt. St. Audrey. When I step in to try and get them to communicate I’m either taking sides, or didn’t witness everything so I have to do my best with what information I have (and can see as plausible, possible, or probable). Stuck in the middle.
Audrey can’t take Benzo’s (Xanax, etc) as it causes a severe allergic reaction in her nervous system. We have to rely on her using her DBT #DBT skills, us using our family skills, and a homeopathic route called Bach Flower Therapy. It works great and has no interference with any other meds or side effects.
She had a few “collect yourself” moments, a phone call to Gramma to get everything off her chest. She eventually calmed down and apologized (still don’t know the root cause of it all).
I had a few “I’m a terrible parent” & “I’m not equipped for this” & “Why can’t she see I want to help?” moments. I may have shed a tear or two as well. There are days I want to quit. Not leave permanently but go on holiday, call in a sub, tap out for a round…you get the idea. I love my kids. I love my kids. (repeat, repeat, repeat)
Since that’s not an option I usually get my husband to make a run to Fiiz (a soda joint with fabulous recipes) and to pick me up something sweet because I love all things sugary.
Today was a rough day, tomorrow will be better (?).