I love my life. I love my family. I love my kids. I love who I am and what I am.
But I am tired.
I am not using this blog as a place to be negative or complain about my life. I know that my life has a plan and a purpose, and in the long game everything will make sense. But sometimes even knowing that can’t help me get past days like today.
I’ve regained my desire to help at the kid’s school, something I couldn’t do much of last year given my family situation and trying to just be there while my daughter was being diagnosed. I’m doing some testing with elementary kids, getting to interact with adults again, and even have about a week of substituting lined up over the next couple of months.
I love subbing. Seriously, I never imagined I would enjoy subbing for high school kids as much as I do. Then again, this happens to be an exceptional group of kids. I’m in my fall term of classes and have one year left to get my B.S. in Developmental Psychology. I love school and am proud of how well I have done this far.
My husband and I are trying to have more couple time and even branch out to make new friends or join a small group at church. This is kind of a big deal since Shane isn’t super social nor was he raised the same religion as me (he was raised Roman-Catholic, we currently attend a Bible based non-denominational Christian church). Together we are trying to make time for each kid one-on-one, along with family time. This can be a bit of a task due to Audrey’s disorders but we try as hard as we can, using the best methods that we know.
I know this all sounds like normal family stuff, normal life stuff, normal human stuff. But it’s not. It’s takes every ounce of my strength mentally, physically, and especially emotionally to make life happen sometimes. Now is one of those times. I feel beat down, somewhat defeated, and I am almost positive someone is playing some kind of psychologically based warfare with me. Frankly, today they’re winning.
I’m a touch chick. I’ve been baptized by fire, graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, fought back against intellectuals in order to get the right treatment and diagnoses for my daughter, and I’ve faced down some proverbially ugly people quite successfully. But I’ve never faced an adversary quite like this. Attempting to hold some semblance of sanity and normalcy while having a child with mental health issues.
My daughter Audrey didn’t ask for her disorders and I am by no means resentful, upset, angry, or otherwise irritated that she is who she is. I’m just tired. If you read the links, it’s no easy task caring for a teen with these mental health disorders but we manage. I think the challenge of trying to balance everything else in life concurrently is where it gets complicated. Trying to share yourself, your time, and pieces of your life as equally as possible is like a second job. Trying to have friends and hobbies is almost impossible. Making sure you have friends that truly and genuinely understand your family life and who also want to be a part of your life regardless of the possibility of seeing the not-so-great side is even harder.
I look at people who deal with just “normal” teen stuff or “normal” family stuff, parents who can leave their 14 & 13-year-old at home without sitters, or those who can have the older sibling watch the younger sibling, and one of three things happen.
Scenario one: (a good day) I remember that we are each given the life we have for a purpose and I am doing a pretty damn good job with managing my purpose. I try to be a supportive friend with insight and advice.
Scenario two: (a “meh” day) I actually wish I had their problems. I wish for “normal” issues, I almost envy what they are dealing with. Pretty pathetic.
Scenario three: (a not-so-good day) I have literally said “I know exactly what you mean because this is what I am currently juggling…..” and then proceed to try to convey that their life may have ups and down but I literally live in a state that inherently comes with an amount of uncertainty. I don’t like those days or how it feels. I’m pretty sure nobody else does either.
So, for those of you who have had to deal with me on those days- my deepest apologies.
I feel like I could sleep for 4 days. Sometimes I want to start crying at things that don’t warrant my tears. Certain days I want to use my mini-van in a demolition derby (which I feel pretty confident that I could win). I could also use a month-long vacation somewhere quiet, kid-free, sunny & sandy with an endless supply of umbrella garnished drinks.
The saying that “God never gives you more than you can handle” is one I have never subscribed to. I truly believe God gives us more than we can handle in order to learn to lean on Him and allow Him to guide and strengthen us. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV) says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I am reminded by this passage that I can find rest and comfort by letting go and letting God be in control (as He should be). It’s not easy; no human wants to admit weakness or the need for help. But I don’t have the energy to be prideful *laughing*.